Up late again..

Maybe if I get this outta my system I will be able to sleep tonight and tomorrow! I'm seriously having a panick attack.

I'm flipping out. I'm so freaking scarred. I can't help but cry! I keep running through all these what ifs. What if it doesn't work. What if Timmy doesn't have any sperm on Wednesday. What if I ovulate before ER takes place. What if something goes wrong with the anesthesia. What if none of the eggs fertilize. What if people are able to tell that we used donor sperm. What if people question it. What if people critize me when they find out we did IVF and didn't tell anyone. Then the what ifs come and people get mad that I don't tell anyone we are pregnant. Then it comes to all those concerns that happened to me as a child. How can I keep my baby safe at all times. How will I be able to trust anyone with the baby. I'm so lucky that I will be able to be a stay at home mommy and still get my bachelors degree in Early Childhood Education, but I'm freaked for the day that I will have to leave our baby with anyone. My momma never could tell anything happened to me so what if I can't tell from my child. ERRRRRR.. I hate him. I hate what he did to me. I can't trust a damn sole because of that shit. ERRRR. I get more pissed everytime I think about it.

For the record we do plan on hiding our pregnancy from most people because I know people are gonna critize us and the way we live with my momma and all that. We have our reasons and my momma is so supportive of us going through all of this and is happy for us. I know others shouldn't matter, but it does. Its been that way all my life. People critize everything I do. People say shit behind my back. I just don't want people knowing about us. How do I get to keep it a secret from the in-laws yet let my MIL and FIL be apart of our child's life?

I wish I had answers for all of these! I don't know what to say or do. How will I be able to handle all of this. What if I'm not a good mommy?! I'm so scarred. I'm terrified! This is something I've wanted all my life so why am I feeling like this? I wish I knew. :-/

I'm so excited for all of this, but I'm so scarred. Its too late to turn back now. I hope once things start happening and then once I"m pregnant I will be able to relax a little bit.