Well our happiness was short lived. On Wednesday I took a FRER and the line was lighter than it had ever been. I knew that was something bad. Well I went to the doctors to get my blood drawn and at 5:12pm I got the call. She said it was negative. I'm like are you sure like I was in disblief even though I knew it from Wednesday. She said that my level was at an 11 and that the doctor said it was prob a chemical pregnancy. Of course I was driving down the road to go get my husband from work and I just balled my eyes out. Here I was so damn hopeful and wishful and I really thought it worked only for it to be taken away from me. Again I have no answers. I don't understand why my body will not get pregnant and stay pregnant. It doesn't make since. Is it the embryos? Or is it me? I probably will never have answers and I won't ever know.
I wish I didn't have to have a house payment or car payment or any other effin payment because then I could either try again or start saving every penny for surragocy or adoption. I don't even know. Those costs thousands and thousands and more thousands of dollars to go through. I want so badly to be a mom and it's not effin happening and I don't know why. Why in the hell can a fuckin mom who wants to kill her kids by running her car into an ocean get pregnant but I can't?!!!!! Seriously this is fucked up.
I'm so hurt and it's to the point where I don't even want to drag myself outta bed. I have to today. I have to babysit. I have to go all day trying to be happy when all I wanna do is lay in bed and cry. We have so much going on this weekend. I have to go and be around people. I don't want too. It's bad that I don't even want to go celebrate my husbands birthday I just want to stay in bed and never move again.
We don't know what we are going to do. All I know is this next month we aren't doing shit because I can't go thru it again right now plus we are broke. Well not broke but we don't have the money to do it again. I don't even know if I should even spend the money again and it fail. Then that's really it because we only have 2 embryos left. I mean these embryos have been so strong and have made it thru so maybe it is me. Maybe my body can't handle it. I guess I will never know. I probably will never get to experience being pregnant and it effin kills me.
And no I will not be going to any effin baby showers and I don't need to know that you are pregnant by private message and I'm sorry but if your pregnant your not gonna be on my fb right now. I'm sorry but I can't handle seeing others being pregnant. Hopefully people will understand but I can't handle it right now.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
Soooo....
I haven't updated since our last failed cycle. I did not get pregnant and it was difficult. I started bleeding that weekend and so I went that Monday for my appt with the doctor. He was really hopefully that another cycle would have a chance. I was like idk. He changed some stuff so instead of the vaginal suppository progesterone I would go with PIO, progesterone in oil, shots. And that day I started my new cycle.
So now we are in our 2ww. First week all was good till Wednesday and I started having cramping again. Like it was pretty bad. So Thursday morning I'm like screw it I'm taking a test it maybe to early but whatever. So first thing I took a test.
On the 20th of February I went for my ultrasound. All was well with it and the doctor also marked where my shots needed to go. On the 22nd I started my PIO shots. Yeah we went out to the rodeo with my cousin and her kids to watch her husband ride a bull and yes I had to get my first shot in the car. I was so worried but it didn't hurt at all. In fact it wasn't till I got home that night that my side was in pain. All went well with all went well with the rest of my shots so far. On the 27th of February I had my transfer. My embryos are surely some fighters because the next two made it!!! I felt transfer went perfect and hubby got to go with me!!
This is what I got...
I just couldn't believe it. Like for the past 4 and half years I never thought this would happen and there it is. My first ever positive pregnancy test. Its like I couldn't believe it. (It looks faint in the pic, but deff wasn't in person) I was still in so much disbelief that I went out and bought more tests. Yep spent more money on tests, but I have 5 more days until my beta test so I'm going to need them.
Just for kicks this was this mornings test.
No denying I'm pregnant!! I'm still in shock. I just can't believe it worked. My body accepted an embryo, maybe possibly two. It's so exciting and yet now I'm very nervous!!!
I have not told anyone besides a few friends and my mom so if you see this please do NOT post anything on Facebook as we are not ready to tell everyone yet. We are waiting till I go to the doctors next week, but I'm so excited I just want to shout it from the roof top so until I can do that here is where I can post!! :)
I just couldn't believe it. Like for the past 4 and half years I never thought this would happen and there it is. My first ever positive pregnancy test. Its like I couldn't believe it. (It looks faint in the pic, but deff wasn't in person) I was still in so much disbelief that I went out and bought more tests. Yep spent more money on tests, but I have 5 more days until my beta test so I'm going to need them.
Just for kicks this was this mornings test.
No denying I'm pregnant!! I'm still in shock. I just can't believe it worked. My body accepted an embryo, maybe possibly two. It's so exciting and yet now I'm very nervous!!!
I have not told anyone besides a few friends and my mom so if you see this please do NOT post anything on Facebook as we are not ready to tell everyone yet. We are waiting till I go to the doctors next week, but I'm so excited I just want to shout it from the roof top so until I can do that here is where I can post!! :)
Saturday, February 8, 2014
It's taken me a while.
I've been putting off writing this post because I couldn't even think about not being pregnant without crying. The day after my transfer I had 2 good sized blood clots. I cried but since there was no more I thought oh maybe it was implantation or from the procedure. That Saturday I went to the bathroom I had a blood clot in the toilet and a few more as I wiped although not as big as on Thursday, but a ton more. Then I went ahead and got a shower and had a few more come out. I had to call the office because I couldn't handle it anymore. The nurse called and said the doc was gone for the day but to continue my meds till Sunday and she'd call me back. Sunday came and I had no more clots and the doctor said it could be implantation or from the procedure and to not lose hope and keep my routine. So I did. I had little spotting off and on but read it could be from the progesterone suppositories.
So came Monday a long shot but I took a pregnancy test. I thought I got a positive pregnancy test on Monday and Wednesday, but apparently it had to be my eyes playing tricks on me. On Thursday evening I started bleeding brown. It was to the point it was in my pad and covered the toilet paper when I wiped. I kept that bleeding thru the night and all day Friday. I stopped Friday night and decided to take a good FRER test. What I seen was absolutely nothing. Today I'm 10dp5dt I used my fmu and it is negative. I was having symptoms of sore breasts, nausea etc. But as of today there isn't a damn symptom. None what so ever.
My appt is on Wednesday to go for my beta just to tell me I'm not pregnant as if the 10 pregnancy tests weren't enough and plus I have to wait till Wednesday. How can I keep waiting. I want to stop my meds. I want my period to just get it over with. It would have to be a pretty damn big miracle for my beta to have any sort of hcg in it. I have had to prep myself. I can't go in without knowing because I will be caught off guard crying my eyes out like last time and I don't want to do that to the nurse again so these tests were essental for me.
We are going to go meet with the doctor for our wtf meeting. I'm going to request it. I need to have answers. He may not have answers to all, but we have more questions than just what went wrong. Everything was perfect this cycle or so I thought. They opened up my cervix and that went great. My bloodwork was good. My ultrasound was great. We got our first two embryos to unthaw perfectly and they were growing. I just don't get it. I don't know that wasting more embryos and money when this was a great cycle.
I keep thinking that why won't my uterus allow these embryos to just stick. Why are they kicking them out. Doesn't it know we want this damn it?! Is it my body rejecting it? Maybe it wasn't a great cycle like I thought. Idk. I wish we could have answers.
Well now that we have went through two failed cycles I'm not sure it's worth it again. We have talked a bit about trying again. Is it worth it to try one more time to have it fail again? The first time my ovaries were overstimed from the meds so I thought this cycle I had no stimulation or anything. I just don't get it.
So anyways we have been talking. We are thinking about going surrogacy route. I'm not really sure what it all entails except for the fact it is gonna cost us a butt load more than a fresh cycle of IVF did. We still have to figure out if we can use our frozen embryos for surrogacy. We have to know what all is included in the fees from the doctors. If this is the route we take we are going to take we have some serious saving to do from what I found is that if we go thru an agency it will cost us in the ball park of $60,000. Do people really have that kind of money to do that? You know regular people like us who aren't doctors or lawyers or people who make crazy amounts of money? I mean our baby would be priceless and we'd forever be in debt to the person that could give us that dream and we are gonna do what it takes to get that much. If that means putting our house on the line. Then so be it. If we have to get rid of cars. So be it. I would rather live homeless and have a baby than own a house, a car, have cable, have a high tech phone, or anything else in this world.
Many people asked what happened with adoption and fostering and going that route. In all honesty after having tons and tons of weight bearing on me I can't do that yet. I guess you could say I haven't grieved in every way possible about not having my own biological child yet. I right nor could not allow myself to get attached to a child and promote reunification when I really want to just keep the child. My emotions weren't there yet. I thought I was but after taking a hard long look at myself I just wasn't. So there is why we have yet to approach that option.
So as of right now we just sit and wait until Wednesday when I have to go get stuck, hopefully only once, by a needle to tell me what I already know. We have a long way to achieving out goal to be a family, but I am so damn grateful for my amazing husband who has been on this roller coaster of emotions and put up with my crying, and doubts. He has given me more strength than I ever knew he had. Then my best friend who sits and cries with me and holds me and tells me it will be already and gives me a little faith. No matter the fights we have been through she has been solid support for me in praying for this dream she knows we desperately want. Then to all my friends who I have recently met thru the past couple of years who have prayed with me and have cheered us on. Who knew so many people were so amazing. And then there is my mom. She has been my rock. I can cry to her and she has prayed with us and told me to calm down and she was willing to give up her smoking had I been pregnant. I have had such a great support system with everyone I have no idea where I'd be with out all of them. So thank you to everyone. Hopefully you all know who you are!! You all care amazing and god could not have given me a more amazing groups of friends/family I could ever ask for!!
So came Monday a long shot but I took a pregnancy test. I thought I got a positive pregnancy test on Monday and Wednesday, but apparently it had to be my eyes playing tricks on me. On Thursday evening I started bleeding brown. It was to the point it was in my pad and covered the toilet paper when I wiped. I kept that bleeding thru the night and all day Friday. I stopped Friday night and decided to take a good FRER test. What I seen was absolutely nothing. Today I'm 10dp5dt I used my fmu and it is negative. I was having symptoms of sore breasts, nausea etc. But as of today there isn't a damn symptom. None what so ever.
My appt is on Wednesday to go for my beta just to tell me I'm not pregnant as if the 10 pregnancy tests weren't enough and plus I have to wait till Wednesday. How can I keep waiting. I want to stop my meds. I want my period to just get it over with. It would have to be a pretty damn big miracle for my beta to have any sort of hcg in it. I have had to prep myself. I can't go in without knowing because I will be caught off guard crying my eyes out like last time and I don't want to do that to the nurse again so these tests were essental for me.
We are going to go meet with the doctor for our wtf meeting. I'm going to request it. I need to have answers. He may not have answers to all, but we have more questions than just what went wrong. Everything was perfect this cycle or so I thought. They opened up my cervix and that went great. My bloodwork was good. My ultrasound was great. We got our first two embryos to unthaw perfectly and they were growing. I just don't get it. I don't know that wasting more embryos and money when this was a great cycle.
I keep thinking that why won't my uterus allow these embryos to just stick. Why are they kicking them out. Doesn't it know we want this damn it?! Is it my body rejecting it? Maybe it wasn't a great cycle like I thought. Idk. I wish we could have answers.
Well now that we have went through two failed cycles I'm not sure it's worth it again. We have talked a bit about trying again. Is it worth it to try one more time to have it fail again? The first time my ovaries were overstimed from the meds so I thought this cycle I had no stimulation or anything. I just don't get it.
So anyways we have been talking. We are thinking about going surrogacy route. I'm not really sure what it all entails except for the fact it is gonna cost us a butt load more than a fresh cycle of IVF did. We still have to figure out if we can use our frozen embryos for surrogacy. We have to know what all is included in the fees from the doctors. If this is the route we take we are going to take we have some serious saving to do from what I found is that if we go thru an agency it will cost us in the ball park of $60,000. Do people really have that kind of money to do that? You know regular people like us who aren't doctors or lawyers or people who make crazy amounts of money? I mean our baby would be priceless and we'd forever be in debt to the person that could give us that dream and we are gonna do what it takes to get that much. If that means putting our house on the line. Then so be it. If we have to get rid of cars. So be it. I would rather live homeless and have a baby than own a house, a car, have cable, have a high tech phone, or anything else in this world.
Many people asked what happened with adoption and fostering and going that route. In all honesty after having tons and tons of weight bearing on me I can't do that yet. I guess you could say I haven't grieved in every way possible about not having my own biological child yet. I right nor could not allow myself to get attached to a child and promote reunification when I really want to just keep the child. My emotions weren't there yet. I thought I was but after taking a hard long look at myself I just wasn't. So there is why we have yet to approach that option.
So as of right now we just sit and wait until Wednesday when I have to go get stuck, hopefully only once, by a needle to tell me what I already know. We have a long way to achieving out goal to be a family, but I am so damn grateful for my amazing husband who has been on this roller coaster of emotions and put up with my crying, and doubts. He has given me more strength than I ever knew he had. Then my best friend who sits and cries with me and holds me and tells me it will be already and gives me a little faith. No matter the fights we have been through she has been solid support for me in praying for this dream she knows we desperately want. Then to all my friends who I have recently met thru the past couple of years who have prayed with me and have cheered us on. Who knew so many people were so amazing. And then there is my mom. She has been my rock. I can cry to her and she has prayed with us and told me to calm down and she was willing to give up her smoking had I been pregnant. I have had such a great support system with everyone I have no idea where I'd be with out all of them. So thank you to everyone. Hopefully you all know who you are!! You all care amazing and god could not have given me a more amazing groups of friends/family I could ever ask for!!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Day 1...
Today starts day 1 of my cycle. I just talked to the nurse and it's a go! I started my estrace today! Tonight at bedtime I have to get the stuff to soften my cervix and I go in tomorrow morning at 915a to get my cervix dilated. Then the 20th I go in for an ultrasound and blood work to be sure my uterus lining is good and blood work is all good. Then as long as everything is good we will transfer our embryos on the 29th! That means I will find out if I'm pregnant 2 days before valentines day!!! I am so nervous!!!! We have waited so long! It's finally time. I've also lost 6 more pounds thanks to the stomach bug! So here's to hoping this will be it!! #2014baby
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