The end..

Well our happiness was short lived. On Wednesday I took a FRER and the line was lighter than it had ever been. I knew that was something bad. Well I went to the doctors to get my blood drawn and at 5:12pm I got the call. She said it was negative. I'm like are you sure like I was in disblief even though I knew it from Wednesday. She said that my level was at an 11 and that the doctor said it was prob a chemical pregnancy. Of course I was driving down the road to go get my husband from work and I just balled my eyes out. Here I was so damn hopeful and wishful and I really thought it worked only for it to be taken away from me. Again I have no answers. I don't understand why my body will not get pregnant and stay pregnant. It doesn't make since. Is it the embryos? Or is it me? I probably will never have answers and I won't ever know.

I wish I didn't have to have a house payment or car payment or any other effin payment because then I could either try again or start saving every penny for surragocy or adoption. I don't even know. Those costs thousands and thousands and more thousands of dollars to go through. I want so badly to be a mom and it's not effin happening and I don't know why. Why in the hell can a fuckin mom who wants to kill her kids by running her car into an ocean get pregnant but I can't?!!!!! Seriously this is fucked up.

I'm so hurt and it's to the point where I don't even want to drag myself outta bed. I have to today. I have to babysit. I have to go all day trying to be happy when all I wanna do is lay in bed and cry. We have so much going on this weekend. I have to go and be around people. I don't want too. It's bad that I don't even want to go celebrate my husbands birthday I just want to stay in bed and never move again.

We don't know what we are going to do. All I know is this next month we aren't doing shit because I can't go thru it again right now plus we are broke. Well not broke but we don't have the money to do it again. I don't even know if I should even spend the money again and it fail. Then that's really it because we only have 2 embryos left. I mean these embryos have been so strong and have made it thru so maybe it is me. Maybe my body can't handle it. I guess I will never know. I probably will never get to experience being pregnant and it effin kills me.

And no I will not be going to any effin baby showers and I don't need to know that you are pregnant by private message and I'm sorry but if your pregnant your not gonna be on my fb right now. I'm sorry but I can't handle seeing others being pregnant. Hopefully people will understand but I can't handle it right now.

Soooo....

I haven't updated since our last failed cycle. I did not get pregnant and it was difficult. I started bleeding that weekend and so I went that Monday for my appt with the doctor. He was really hopefully that another cycle would have a chance. I was like idk. He changed some stuff so instead of the vaginal suppository progesterone I would go with PIO, progesterone in oil, shots. And that day I started my new cycle.

On the 20th of February I went for my ultrasound. All was well with it and the doctor also marked where my shots needed to go. On the 22nd I started my PIO shots. Yeah we went out to the rodeo with my cousin and her kids to watch her husband ride a bull and yes I had to get my first shot in the car. I was so worried but it didn't hurt at all. In fact it wasn't till I got home that night that my side was in pain. All went well with all went well with the rest of my shots so far. On the 27th of February I had my transfer. My embryos are surely some fighters because the next two made it!!! I felt transfer went perfect and hubby got to go with me!! 

   So now we are in our 2ww. First week all was good till Wednesday and I started having cramping again. Like it was pretty bad. So Thursday morning I'm like screw it I'm taking a test  it maybe to early but whatever. So first thing I took a test. 

This is what I got...

I just couldn't believe it. Like for the past 4 and half years I never thought this would happen and there it is. My first ever positive pregnancy test. Its like I couldn't believe it. (It looks faint in the pic, but deff wasn't in person) I was still in so much disbelief that I went out and bought more tests. Yep spent more money on tests, but I have 5 more days until my beta test so I'm going to need them.

Just for kicks this was this mornings test.

No denying I'm pregnant!! I'm still in shock. I just can't believe it worked. My body accepted an embryo, maybe possibly two. It's so exciting and yet now I'm very nervous!!!

I have not told anyone besides a few friends and my mom so if you see this please do NOT post anything on Facebook as we are not ready to tell everyone yet. We are waiting till I go to the doctors next week, but I'm so excited I just want to shout it from the roof top so until I can do that here is where I can post!! :)