Its official.

We had a negative beta. I started bleeding, clotting, and cramping awfully so I knew the answer before the nurse even called. I still don't understand what went wrong, but talking to the doctor reassured me that it will be alright and that 50% of people who go through IVF don't get pregnant on the first try. We have six strong little frozen embryo's and we will hopefully be able to get our little miracle with those!!

I'm feeling better today then yesterday. Just trying to take it one day at a time to get over this pain!

Although I seriously didn't want to have to go through any of this emotional stuff again, after Timmy and I have talked about it and decided that we are just going to work on losing some weight then hopefully in September we will have enough money to do a FET!

Until then we are gonna try on our own and have fun with it, who knows, what will happen!

This day can't get any worse right?

Well this morning I went in for my beta. After 30 minutes, 6 pokes, and 3 nurses they finally got blood! The third nurse that finally got it asked if I cheated and tested. I said yes. She asked if it was positive I said no. She asked when and I said Thursday morning. She then told me its probably still 3-4 days to early. I had a tiny bit of hope walking out of there, more than I did yesterday. Well I came home, my temporary home that is, and went to the bathroom. There was brown all in my panty liner, and redish pinkish when I wiped. I now have to use pads because its pretty bad. I'm pretty sure that it didn't work. If it comes back positive then I don't know why the hell I'm bleeding. I'm still waiting on the official call though.

This has nothing to do with TTC, but I don't feel like making another blog so I'm just gonna bitch here.

My school just called. I've been putting off getting my crap done because I haven't been feeling well and everything so I just didn't know if I wanted to start or not. Well she said that she wants me to move to the associates, from bacholers, that way my credits transfer and it will be cheaper. Then she said with the associates I need 2 letters of reccomendations. I know I can get one from my cousin since I have watched and will be watching her daughter. But I have no idea who the hell else I am going to get another one from. Then she also said I needed to fill out FAFSA and get my high school transcripts. All of this has to be done by the first week of August. So after all this shit I still need to get done I called my high school and guess what. THEY ARE CLOSED FOR THE SUMMER! How in the world am I gonna be able to get my transcripts when they don't open back up til August 3rd!?! ERRRR. I'm not sure what to do.

I feel like such a damn failure. I can't do anything. I can't get pregnant. I can't even finish school. What a loser I am.

Not sure what my next step in life is, but it doesn't sound like a baby or school.

Tomorrow's the day...

Tomorrow morning at 9:30am I go in for my beta. I really have little hope, maybe a tiny little itty bitty piece of me. I swear them damn HPTs are addicting. I took one this morning and well well well another negative. Some girls have given me my tiny bit of hope that blood tests are way stronger than HPTs, but obviously its pretty low to not be detected on the HPT. I wish it was tomorrow evening already and I knew what the answer was.

Today we went up to Brookville lake and it was so much fun! My niece had a blast playing in the sand, being a big girl swimming around on her floatie tube thing. She makes me smile. She looked up at me when we was sitting playing in the sand and said that this was so much fun and that she loves me for bringing her there. It made me tear up! I love her so much, I just want one of my own that can look up at me and say mommy I love you! I wanna take him/her to the lake, let them experience their first time in the sand. The first time seeing all those fish jumping like crazy and Timmy going to try and catch one to show her! Today was an amazing day and I had so much fun, I just wish we would have our little one to add to it as well!

I know that no matter what the outcome is tomorrow I will become a stronger person and that even though we on't get to be a mommy and daddy right now we ill eventually find a way. I have so many questions of if it didn't work. I wanna know why? Can my body not take a pregnancy? What is wrong with me?!!?!?!?! If its positive, I will still be peeing on that damn stick until I see them 2 lines or that word PREGNANT!!

I guess until tomorrow afternoon! I must get to bed. ugh I wish I could sleep.

What is wrong with me?

I did an awful thing today and I know that I can't believe these results, but damn. Why did I pee on that damn stick????? I was standing so strong knowing I didn't want to take that test. If that dang spotting and the awful cramping It was negative. I have read everywhere that its probably to early and some people don't even get a positive on an HPT. Its still in my mind that it didn't work. I don't understand what is so wrong with me that I can't have a baby. Am I that awful of a person that god doesn't want to gove me that gift?? I don't understand.

If I get a call on Friday that the results are negative I don't know where we are going to go next. We have spent all of our savings on this IVF cycle. We have a loan because of this cycle. I know that we have little frozen embryo's that are waiting for their turn, but we don't have the money to do a frozen cycle right now. I don't even know if I want to go through another roller coaster cycle. Where do you go from here? How are so many women that go through the same exact thing and they can be so strong, but I'm so weak.

Lord let me make it through til Friday and please pray these results were wrong!

Almost time!

Its Monday. Only 4 days away from Friday! I'm getting super nervous now. I'm having what feels like period cramps. I am always going to the bathroom feeling like I'm bleeding. What if this didn't work. What if I didn't get pregnant. What next. I don't think I can go through this emotional rollar coaster again. I'm scared. I cry thinking about it all the time. Most people know what we are going through. so how will I ever break the news that it didn't work. Everyone has been rooting for us and I will feel like the biggest let down. ughh.

Timmy keeps saying to think positive and that I am pregnant, but how can I. I'm so worried about everything else damn it because if I don't who else will?

Please hurry Friday! I really wanna know. I'm so tempted to go out and by a pregnancy test, but I definatly don't wanna see another negative test!

Is it the 15th yet?

Its soooooooo boring! It feels like the days are dragging on and on and on, on purpose. Its driving me NUTS! I feel a bit better today except when I'm up doing to much! I can't wait to get back to my full normal routine! I've been stuck in this house for a week and a day, except for when I went to the doctors for ET! I'm going crazy, but I'm to scared to get in the car and get sick.

Timmy says no POAS. :-( How am I gonna wait a WHOLE week!?? ERRRR.. Hopefully I'm feeling better by next week to have the confidence to drive and go up to the store myself and buy a test. He said he's gonna hid my keys, but we will see. :-P

dreading the 2ww!

Embryo Transfer went amazing this morning! I'm still feeling yucky. I got more meds for it! We got a picture of our "babies" :-) how neat this will be one day to tell our kids how they we're concieved and we have pictures from this early stage! Well that's all! Now on to July 15th!!! HURRY PLEASE!

Transfer.

Has been moved! All of them are doing so well! I was like who is calling at 7:30 in the morning! But that was one call I was glad to get that early. Heck I was up anyways! I'm in so much pain right now. My stomach hurts so bad to even move. I've been feeling super naseous and puked last night. YUCKKKKK!! Hopefully the meds will help and I start to feel better. blahh..

Thats all for now!