So close, but so far.

We have $2,000 left to get! We are going to get a new bank account at a credit union. Hopefully at the beginning of April when we go in and try to get a loan for $3,000, they will give it to us. Plus it will hopefully be a better intrest rate! Then that will be paid off by fall, as well as all 3 of our CCs! Plus we will have a couple thousand left over for the baby if it works!!

Results are in.

We didn't get the loan. I've been trying to hard to come to these terms. Timmy cancelled his TESA thing. We are back to square one. We are so close yet so far from having our money. We are just a few thousand short which seems like a lot, but yet its not because we have over half of it!

I'm so thankful to have support from people, but its not the support I need. People don't understand what I'm going through. They don't understand it, even though they say they do. Honestly they don't. I have wanted this all my life. My only goal from when I was younger was to be a mommy. I've never wanted anything else so bad! I've been waiting so freaking long for the day I hear that I'm pregnant. Its been 16 months since we started trying. I've heard all the sayings.
"It takes time". "Don't be in a rush". "You should lose weight first, you have your whole life to have kids". "Its in gods hands". "Maybe its not meant to be right now". "You will figure it out". "Everything will work out, don't worry".

Well you know what them are the worse things a person that is going through things like that could hear right now. Just because its not working out for you right now doesn't mean its why I'm not either. Maybe I'm being rude because they don't know that Timmy has a problem plus my problem. Maybe because they don't know that the only way we are going to get pregnant is IVF. This is our last chance. If this doesn't work I will never know what its like to be pregnant.

Yes there is adoption out there and thats something we've looked into. Its something that we will do in the future. But I want to know what its like to be pregnant. To hear the first heart beat. To feel the first kick. To see the baby on the monitor. To carry that baby nine monthes. I want to feel labor. I want to have morning sickness. I want to feel everything that comes along with being pregnant. I want that growing belly. I want it all.

People are so lucky and blessed to have the children they do in their life while I'm sitting here suffering. Just because someone is TTC too doesn't mean they know what I'm going through because they've been going through it for a few months. My heart aches to all the other women out there dealing with the same problems as I am. I know people who have went years and years before figuring it out. I'm lucky we didn't have to wait that long for the heart ache!

People say we have all the time in the world when we don't. First off we don't have all the time in the world to get pregnant. Now that we know Timmy has a problem, those were precious time that we had before his sperm went to zero. So go think about that and telling us we have time.

Don't even get me started about our weight. I was doing so good about losing weight then we had all this happen and now I'm back to the beginning. I hate myself and the way I look so no need to rub it on me anymore okay. It kills me every time I hear it. =/

I just hope we can come up with a new plan and by May we can have our miracle.

I pray everyday that no woman ever has to go through all this hurt.

Oh and insurance YOU SUCK!! ITS CRAP THAT YOU WON'T COVER THIS. WOMEN WITH FERTILITY WANT BABIES TOO, JUST BECAUSE WE NEED HELP DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD BE EXCLUDED!!

Thats all!

Wishing, Waiting, Hoping, Praying.

We put in our last time at the bank to see if we could get a loan for 5,000 dollars! This will give us all the money we need plus about 1,000 to catch up with what I owe the doctor and pay down more of one CC. This is the longest day of my life. I'm in tears everytime I think about it. I just want a reason to go up to the bank and ask him if he can check and see if its in there. We are waiting to take the check up to Timmy's doctors office for his procedure until we hear if we got the loan because if we don't then Timmy won't be having it done because it will cost us more to freeze the sperm and to keep em there til we can afford IVF.

The longer its taking the more its making me think that we didn't get the loan. =/ It took overnight last time and we didn't get it, so I have a feeling its gonna be the same.

I wish for once that something would just go our way. We've waited so freaking long its just not fair. The odds are seriously against us right now. I'm having such a hard time coping with us I'm about to flip.. AHHH I just want to know if we got it or not. Damn it!!

Back on hold.

Looks like our IVF process is back on hold til I have no idea when. We didn't get the loan from the bank which means we don't have enough money.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Its killing me inside to know that our dreams may never become a reality and its killing me. I don't know where to turn or where to even look anymore. I feel like the one thing I want most in life is being taken from right underneath me.

I hate life right now. I can't take anymore.

I called the insurance knowing that Timmy's procedure was more than likely not covered, but thought I'd try anyways and now I'm even worse than before because its not covered. I'm a mess. I hate this. I can't take it. I don't understand why people have fertility problems. It shouldn't be like this. No one should ever have to go through this. It totally fucking sucks. It should be mandated in every damn state that insurances should cover infertility. Its crap that they don't. ughh..
okay enough venting. I need to get stuff done for our trip to Columbus tomorrow.