No hope left.

What tiny bit of hope I did have left is gone. I feel like part of me just wants to give up on hopes of biological children. I'm not sure how much more let down I can take. My emotions took over my body yesterday and I just sat and cried for hours. Its so hard at the fact that tons of people have no idea what I'm going through. Don't tell me it will all be okay and it will work out it just takes time. Get the hell over this taking time shit. I'm tired of hearing it and I'm going to bust if one more damn person tells me that. I've waited and waited and waited and waited some more. Its never going to be my freakin turn without shelling thousands and thousands of dollars out to have a baby one way or another. 

Didn't turn out how we planned.

I don't get it. I don't know why us?! I was so ready for today and very hopeful all to get it turned upside down. I feel like giving up. I really don't know what to do. How are we ever going to afford IVF? Timmy's changed everything in his diet, he's on vitamins, he takes colder showers and yet his sperm count is still very low, lower than when he went for his semen analysis. =/
This month is hitting me hard. Its been one year since we started trying and we still haven't gotten our miracle! I don't understand! There are so many horrible people out there that don't even want kids can get pregnant off the bat, but people who really want kids can't! I don't freakin get it! I'm sick of month after month of let downs. I'm so discouraged, but trying to stay positive. I hate crying all the freakin time. I try and hide it, but damn I can't hold it back anymore.
Why can't we be mommy and daddy?! Ever since I was little I've always wanted a HUGE family and now my dreams are crashing down right before my eyes. Every month when my period is back I just want to give up. It has gotten worse and worse. In my heart I know it will be all worth it in the end, but seriously when is enough enough?! Is there ever that point?? My heart is breaking and I can't take anymore. I want to get this off my mind, but I can't. Its something I've always wanted and I just can't understand why it won't be?!
I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I want a family!

A year ago.

I never imagined a year ago we would be in the same place now that we were then. I had so many hopes and dreams and was so hopeful of getting pregnant and hopefully have that precious miracle in my arms or about to pop! As the months went by I became less hopeful. I tried to get my focus off of getting pregnant and on to school and getting my daycare set up and everything in hopes that will help to lessen the stress of getting pregnant. I stopped convulsively testing, I stopped the OPKs (which sucked mind you anyways!), and stopped charting every sign and symptom. Everything we did in hopes of helping to conceive did nothing.

We were on Clomid and it got me all hopeful again! In June my numbers were good, but I bled/spotted for like 20 days. I knew it wasn't going to be our month because of it. July my hopes were totally shot when my progesterone levels went way down from our first cycle of Clomid, and the nurse told me that means I didn't ovulate. Then August again the nurse told me my levels were low and I didn't ovulate. I was heartbroken! I told them I wanted Timmy to get his sperm tested, and then the journey just got harder!

We were off to the fertility specialist which we decided IUI's were good along with 100mg of Clomid and the Ovidrel shot. I was so hopeful till the day of my IUI! We were told that his sperm count was even lower than when he had his semen analysis and that IVF is probably our only option. I've been so scarred for so long that someone would tell me that and now it's became my nightmare!

Everyone keeps telling me to think positive and this cycle is it and don't give up so easy! How can I be so positive when in reality it’s such a low chance for this to work? I stay awake crying, wondering how we are going to come up with all this money. How are we seriously going to make this work?

Why does it always have to be us! I swear if it’s not one thing wrong it’s another. Is God seriously telling me something?! I don't know what to think or do anymore. All my life I've loved babies and baby dolls! It was my dream to have this LARGE (13, yes 13, kids) family! I started babysitting at the age of 15. Anytime there was a new baby in the family you bet my butt would be there holding that precious lil one!

I know my hope of that large family isn’t going to come to reality and I'm okay with that. I just want one, or two, and I will be perfectly fine with that!

I know we have come way to far now to just quit, but it seriously hurts to know that we aren't getting our dream as quick and as easy as we thought!

I've been in such a mood I just feel like telling the whole world off! I'm already starting to cramp and do everything that normally happens before my period starts so I know its coming! If I'm wrong and I do seriously get a positive pregnancy test there are so many people I'm going to thank! No one has given up on me even though I've been a total b*tch to them and always had negative hope! I'm so thankful for each and every person that has prayed for me =) I'm so lucky to have an awesome support system through family and friends and even through the internet! People whom have never met me and are going through this process as well have had my back and somewhere I can vent. I have an amazing friend/cousin who listens to me when I can't talk to hubby about stuff. I'm so thankful for my mom helping us out as all of this was a total surprise to us! Timmy couldn't be any more supportive! He tries to make me think positive, but as soon as I do my hopes start going up, then I take myself back down, then the cycle repeats over and over! I have an amazing life and I'm so thankful to each and every person and everything in it and I am happy for all of that, but there is still a hole in my heart waiting to be filled! I know one day my dreams of being mommy will come true whether it is through this IUI, or IVF, or adoption, I know it will happen, but it’s taking a lot longer than I ever expected!

Looking good!

Went for my ultrasound and everything is looking great! Uterine lining and the place where implantation takes place looks good and I had good follicle sizes! I get my shot tonight then on Friday hubby goes in at 8:30am then I go for my IUI at 10am. I think I'm more worried about this shot I'm getting tonight instead of anything else! My stomach is turning at thinking about this shot! Timmy is gonna be glad he gets to give it to me because he's been talking about it since we found out I was getting it.
That's all for now. I'm sure I'll update Friday!