Its official.

We had a negative beta. I started bleeding, clotting, and cramping awfully so I knew the answer before the nurse even called. I still don't understand what went wrong, but talking to the doctor reassured me that it will be alright and that 50% of people who go through IVF don't get pregnant on the first try. We have six strong little frozen embryo's and we will hopefully be able to get our little miracle with those!!

I'm feeling better today then yesterday. Just trying to take it one day at a time to get over this pain!

Although I seriously didn't want to have to go through any of this emotional stuff again, after Timmy and I have talked about it and decided that we are just going to work on losing some weight then hopefully in September we will have enough money to do a FET!

Until then we are gonna try on our own and have fun with it, who knows, what will happen!

This day can't get any worse right?

Well this morning I went in for my beta. After 30 minutes, 6 pokes, and 3 nurses they finally got blood! The third nurse that finally got it asked if I cheated and tested. I said yes. She asked if it was positive I said no. She asked when and I said Thursday morning. She then told me its probably still 3-4 days to early. I had a tiny bit of hope walking out of there, more than I did yesterday. Well I came home, my temporary home that is, and went to the bathroom. There was brown all in my panty liner, and redish pinkish when I wiped. I now have to use pads because its pretty bad. I'm pretty sure that it didn't work. If it comes back positive then I don't know why the hell I'm bleeding. I'm still waiting on the official call though.

This has nothing to do with TTC, but I don't feel like making another blog so I'm just gonna bitch here.

My school just called. I've been putting off getting my crap done because I haven't been feeling well and everything so I just didn't know if I wanted to start or not. Well she said that she wants me to move to the associates, from bacholers, that way my credits transfer and it will be cheaper. Then she said with the associates I need 2 letters of reccomendations. I know I can get one from my cousin since I have watched and will be watching her daughter. But I have no idea who the hell else I am going to get another one from. Then she also said I needed to fill out FAFSA and get my high school transcripts. All of this has to be done by the first week of August. So after all this shit I still need to get done I called my high school and guess what. THEY ARE CLOSED FOR THE SUMMER! How in the world am I gonna be able to get my transcripts when they don't open back up til August 3rd!?! ERRRR. I'm not sure what to do.

I feel like such a damn failure. I can't do anything. I can't get pregnant. I can't even finish school. What a loser I am.

Not sure what my next step in life is, but it doesn't sound like a baby or school.

Tomorrow's the day...

Tomorrow morning at 9:30am I go in for my beta. I really have little hope, maybe a tiny little itty bitty piece of me. I swear them damn HPTs are addicting. I took one this morning and well well well another negative. Some girls have given me my tiny bit of hope that blood tests are way stronger than HPTs, but obviously its pretty low to not be detected on the HPT. I wish it was tomorrow evening already and I knew what the answer was.

Today we went up to Brookville lake and it was so much fun! My niece had a blast playing in the sand, being a big girl swimming around on her floatie tube thing. She makes me smile. She looked up at me when we was sitting playing in the sand and said that this was so much fun and that she loves me for bringing her there. It made me tear up! I love her so much, I just want one of my own that can look up at me and say mommy I love you! I wanna take him/her to the lake, let them experience their first time in the sand. The first time seeing all those fish jumping like crazy and Timmy going to try and catch one to show her! Today was an amazing day and I had so much fun, I just wish we would have our little one to add to it as well!

I know that no matter what the outcome is tomorrow I will become a stronger person and that even though we on't get to be a mommy and daddy right now we ill eventually find a way. I have so many questions of if it didn't work. I wanna know why? Can my body not take a pregnancy? What is wrong with me?!!?!?!?! If its positive, I will still be peeing on that damn stick until I see them 2 lines or that word PREGNANT!!

I guess until tomorrow afternoon! I must get to bed. ugh I wish I could sleep.

What is wrong with me?

I did an awful thing today and I know that I can't believe these results, but damn. Why did I pee on that damn stick????? I was standing so strong knowing I didn't want to take that test. If that dang spotting and the awful cramping It was negative. I have read everywhere that its probably to early and some people don't even get a positive on an HPT. Its still in my mind that it didn't work. I don't understand what is so wrong with me that I can't have a baby. Am I that awful of a person that god doesn't want to gove me that gift?? I don't understand.

If I get a call on Friday that the results are negative I don't know where we are going to go next. We have spent all of our savings on this IVF cycle. We have a loan because of this cycle. I know that we have little frozen embryo's that are waiting for their turn, but we don't have the money to do a frozen cycle right now. I don't even know if I want to go through another roller coaster cycle. Where do you go from here? How are so many women that go through the same exact thing and they can be so strong, but I'm so weak.

Lord let me make it through til Friday and please pray these results were wrong!

Almost time!

Its Monday. Only 4 days away from Friday! I'm getting super nervous now. I'm having what feels like period cramps. I am always going to the bathroom feeling like I'm bleeding. What if this didn't work. What if I didn't get pregnant. What next. I don't think I can go through this emotional rollar coaster again. I'm scared. I cry thinking about it all the time. Most people know what we are going through. so how will I ever break the news that it didn't work. Everyone has been rooting for us and I will feel like the biggest let down. ughh.

Timmy keeps saying to think positive and that I am pregnant, but how can I. I'm so worried about everything else damn it because if I don't who else will?

Please hurry Friday! I really wanna know. I'm so tempted to go out and by a pregnancy test, but I definatly don't wanna see another negative test!

Is it the 15th yet?

Its soooooooo boring! It feels like the days are dragging on and on and on, on purpose. Its driving me NUTS! I feel a bit better today except when I'm up doing to much! I can't wait to get back to my full normal routine! I've been stuck in this house for a week and a day, except for when I went to the doctors for ET! I'm going crazy, but I'm to scared to get in the car and get sick.

Timmy says no POAS. :-( How am I gonna wait a WHOLE week!?? ERRRR.. Hopefully I'm feeling better by next week to have the confidence to drive and go up to the store myself and buy a test. He said he's gonna hid my keys, but we will see. :-P

dreading the 2ww!

Embryo Transfer went amazing this morning! I'm still feeling yucky. I got more meds for it! We got a picture of our "babies" :-) how neat this will be one day to tell our kids how they we're concieved and we have pictures from this early stage! Well that's all! Now on to July 15th!!! HURRY PLEASE!

Transfer.

Has been moved! All of them are doing so well! I was like who is calling at 7:30 in the morning! But that was one call I was glad to get that early. Heck I was up anyways! I'm in so much pain right now. My stomach hurts so bad to even move. I've been feeling super naseous and puked last night. YUCKKKKK!! Hopefully the meds will help and I start to feel better. blahh..

Thats all for now!

All that worrying for nothing!

I'm so amazed over these past two days! Today we got our fertilized report! 24 eggies fertilized! WOOOOHHHHOOOOO! But we recieved even better news! They all have Timmy's DNA! I'm so relieved, so excited, so ready for transfer day! Grow babies grow! We will be having transfer either Saturday or Monday!! We are hoping and praying for a day 5 transfer! The nurse said that its very likely since we have so many fertilized, which is also what the doctor said! I can't believe we are so close to being pregnant!

I am so thankful for all the support I've gotten through all of this! My momma has been amazing and even though she tries to hide her excitement I think she's ready to be a granny! Hehee..

I am also so thankful for the support of my best friend! I can talk to her about it all and she is always so supportive! Plus she has one little firecracker daughter who always makes me smile!

And the person who I am most thankful for is Timmy! He has been my support through this all! He has been my positive support through this all and has always made everything work! I never have to worry around him! <3

Also I'm so thankful to find an amazing amount of girls on babycenter who are going through IVF with me! They have been super supportive!

Thanks everyone who has been so supportive!!!

Amazing

Well today was ER day! Let me tell you it was a good day! It was sooooo much pressure/pain, but I made it through! I'm such a wimp lol, but I did it! The first count I heard was 10, then 13, then 18. Before I knew it it was over. I thought dang thats a lot. The doctor wheeled my bed back to recovery where Timmy was and he said they are still back there counting. I was what. I was puking I'm guessing from all the cramping or something I don't know YUCK! Then the nurse came in and asked if we had heard the final count and we said no. She said that there was 31 eggs! I said seriously 31 and she said yeah! OMG I can't believe we got 31 eggs! Tomorrow I will hear how many fertilized and at that point I will know if Timmy's sperm was able to be used or if we had to use our donor sperm! Then on Saturday we will hear if we are going for a day 3 transfer, which will be Saturday, or a day 5 transfer, which will be Monday! I'm just so relieved that this part is over and we are going to our next step! But thats all for now. I'm still so sleepy from only 2 hours of sleep last night plus the meds! :-)

Up late again..

Maybe if I get this outta my system I will be able to sleep tonight and tomorrow! I'm seriously having a panick attack.

I'm flipping out. I'm so freaking scarred. I can't help but cry! I keep running through all these what ifs. What if it doesn't work. What if Timmy doesn't have any sperm on Wednesday. What if I ovulate before ER takes place. What if something goes wrong with the anesthesia. What if none of the eggs fertilize. What if people are able to tell that we used donor sperm. What if people question it. What if people critize me when they find out we did IVF and didn't tell anyone. Then the what ifs come and people get mad that I don't tell anyone we are pregnant. Then it comes to all those concerns that happened to me as a child. How can I keep my baby safe at all times. How will I be able to trust anyone with the baby. I'm so lucky that I will be able to be a stay at home mommy and still get my bachelors degree in Early Childhood Education, but I'm freaked for the day that I will have to leave our baby with anyone. My momma never could tell anything happened to me so what if I can't tell from my child. ERRRRRR.. I hate him. I hate what he did to me. I can't trust a damn sole because of that shit. ERRRR. I get more pissed everytime I think about it.

For the record we do plan on hiding our pregnancy from most people because I know people are gonna critize us and the way we live with my momma and all that. We have our reasons and my momma is so supportive of us going through all of this and is happy for us. I know others shouldn't matter, but it does. Its been that way all my life. People critize everything I do. People say shit behind my back. I just don't want people knowing about us. How do I get to keep it a secret from the in-laws yet let my MIL and FIL be apart of our child's life?

I wish I had answers for all of these! I don't know what to say or do. How will I be able to handle all of this. What if I'm not a good mommy?! I'm so scarred. I'm terrified! This is something I've wanted all my life so why am I feeling like this? I wish I knew. :-/

I'm so excited for all of this, but I'm so scarred. Its too late to turn back now. I hope once things start happening and then once I"m pregnant I will be able to relax a little bit.

1 year and 7 months...

I can't believe how close we are to the finish line!

Tonight and Tomorrow I get 3 more shots. My Follistim of 100IU, Ganirelix, and Luveris. Then I will get 2 Ovidrel shots on Monday at 7:30pm!

Then on June 29th I will be going in for ER! :-) We will find out if Timmy has sperm or if we have to use our donor sperm. We are praying for Timmy to have some so we can use it!

On July 2nd or 4th we will be having ET! Depending on how many eggs and how many fertilize will depend on the day. It will be either of those days!

Then on July 15th I will be going in for my BETA! We are truely praying for a miracle! After a year and seven months of TTC we will be at our last option! This will be the day our lives change one way or another. Praying it all works out!

Well thats all for now! <3

Just received a phone call!

The nurse just called and downed my dose of Follistim and I start my Ganirelix and Luveris tomorrow now instead of Friday. And my dumb ass didn't even ask why.. WOW.. Looks like I'm gonna call tomorrow since its to late today and find out why. Wondering if it had to do with my bloodwork. hmm More to know tomorrow, but won't update til I get back. :-)

Wonder if this mean ER will be sooner than planned.. hmmm..

Yippee

Everything is moving along soo fast! We had our first monitoring today and everything looks great! :-) I have like 9-10 follicles in my right ovary and 9 in my left! They are all between 7-10 I believe he said and my uterus lining is good! :-) I'm so excited! We are headed camping this evening then we gotta come back on Saturday for another doctors appointment! Not sure whats gonna happen next, but I'm siked! On Friday I start m Ganirelix and Luveris! Moving along just fine! <3 Thats all for now! Gotta get more laundry done before we leave!

We're rocking now!

Well I finally got my complete schedule! WOOHOOO!!
I have tonight and tomorrow night BCPs! Then I'm finished with those!
Then Saturday I start Follistim 225 iu! Which will make my follicles grow!!
Then back to the office on the 22nd for my first monitering, which includes and u/s and b/w! Then we will be starting more shots, which are Ganirelix and Luveris! :-)
ER(egg retrieval) will be on or around June 30th!!!
ET(embryo transfer) will be on or around July 3rd!!! Which means I will probably be in bed taking it easy on the Fourth, but it will be totally worth it!!
Then we will have our TWW and we should find out if it all worked around July 18!!

We are super excited! All of this is moving along super fast!

As for today we only had an u/s and my overies and uterus is good, nice and quiet! He said there are lots of eggies that are ready to GROW!!!

Thats all for now! <3

Their here!!

All my medicines are here!!!! Its sooooo crazy at how fast this is going! I'm super excited though!! But just thought I'd update with a picture. Now just waiting on Monday to get here to to see whats next!!!

So much sooner..

Yesterday I went for my bloodwork and found out that on June 13th I will be going for my baseline testing or whatever, which is an ultrasound and bloodwork. I'm guessing it means that I will be starting stims soon after! I'm a nervous wreak!! EKKK I wasn't so nervous til now! I even ran up over a 4inch concrete block because I can't think straight! I'm so excited, but very very nervous! I can't get bad thoughts outta my head, going from what if it don't work, what if something happens, what if I get pregnant and miscarry! ughh. Then the thoughts after having a baby worries me too! ughh Then it goes back to thinking about all that stuff that happened to me when I was younger! It makes me even more nervous! blahh.. oh well that's enough! This is what I've wanted my whole life so I'm gonna try and stay positive and pray it I will know more on the 13th! For now I'm on prenatals, antibiotic, and birth control!

Its finally begun!

I'm SOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOO happy to say that AF has shown up this evening! I actually cried, but a happy cry! Ha how wierd I know! I'm just so happy, excited, nervous all at the same time! I must find my bcp's and antibiotics! Oh boy I don't know what I have done with them!! AHHHH I can't believe its official! My mri came back perfect! I have to go to physical therapy and go back in 4 weeks, but nothing is wrong that they can tell so I'm good to go!!! This is something that we've worked so hard to get too, from troubles with money, stress on our relationship, weight problems up and down! Its just so exciting!!

I will hopefully get my schedule on Friday if the IVF nurse doesn't tell me over the phone tomorrow! I will be back to update soon as I find out! But if I figured it up right we will find out just days before our 2nd anniversary if we will become parents or not! Then since I'm crazy I searched on when I'd be due and it comes up with around April 1st 2012! AHHH how crazy!
Okay enough rambling! I have to go to beddd! I must get stuff done tomorrow! I'm so excited to start online school in the fall!

Oh and one more piece of amazing news! WE WILL BE DEBATE FREE BY THE TIME THE BABY WOULD COME!! WOOOHOOO! this is one thing that we are gonna work super hard on and it can be done! yayyy!
Hopefully this will soon turn into a pregnancy blog!

Where the heck?

Ughh. IDK where the heck AF is, but its starting to tick me off!! I will be a week late tomorrow! Whyyyyyyyyyy is is when I want it to come it doesn't!!!! Hopefully it will be here Tuesday, so Timmy can go with me Thursday to the doctors for blood draw and u/s! COMEEEEEEEEE ONNNNN PLEASE BE HERE SOOOOOOOOON! I'm done waiting..
Thats all!

Ekkk..

In the last stretch til its time to start our IVF process =) I can't believe it! AF is going to show up by the end of the week if it cooperates! I'm so nervous and excited! Too bad I'm going to be on crutches for this, but oh well!

Since I don't feel like making a blog in my other section I'll just write it here =)

I rehurt my knee! I went to my old orthopedic even though my better judgement was telling me not too. I did anyways. He went on and on about my weight, not even checking out my knee at all. He just made me more stressed and upset talking about an effin lap band or whatever to help me lose weight. Yeah no. So I went to my family doctor yesterday afternoon. I still couldn't figure out what I would have done to it to make it so swollen and so I told them I really don't know, I could have done anything and my brain just can't even remember. Well they did blood work and x ray and all was well there, so next its to a new orthopedic who will probably do another MRI, but good news is I remember what I did, well Timmy remembered! When my momma was trying to pull me up off the ground I fell sideways and twisted my knee and thats about when it started bothering me again, so I'm pretty sure thats what caused it! At least now I know haa..

Its official!

I'm so excited that we have signed and sealed the deal =) We have all the money for our IVF in June! I'm so excited and that barely describes how I'm feeling! I can't believe that this time next year I might have a little one to hold and cuddle! Carly tells me that I should have 2 baby cousin's so Timmy can have a boy and we can have a girl! haa

I'm so happy that its finally all coming together! I have to call the office tomorrow to ask them when I should place our order for our donor, plus pay off whatever I owe them!

This is definatly a new journey about to begain and I'm siked! Hopefully this will soon turn into a miracle!

Yay!

We just got approved for our loan! We are getting 8,000. Its not as much as we wanted so we could pay off our CCs but we will be able to pay off one now and one at the end of May!!!! So we will be starting BCP with May's period and IVF in June!! I was thinking we had to wait one more, but we don't!! AHHHHHHHH I'm flipping out! I about started crying in Red Robin when we got the call! We will go sign on Wednsday and then we will be ready!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
okay now that i got that out. I need to go clean!

So scared.

I'm nervous, scared, nausious, everything. I'm worried. I'm 5 days late. I really don't know why. I thought I was going to start a few days ago, but it never showed. I can't take a test. I don't want to see another BFN. I know if I go buy a test it'll be a waste. I got crampy feeling when I think about it. I think I'll wait a few more days then I'll decide what I will do. ugh.

Fighting feelings vs reality.

We are going to be headed in this week to a new bank where hopefully all will help our dreams! I'm very very nervous. I'm scarred. I have so many emotions right now its crazy. I had a breakdown last week and it was awful. It was a very hard week for some of my family and it was just awful. I couldn't take no more and I seriously didn't know what I could do anymore.

I have now gotten over that feeling and trying to work on becoming a better person and finding a better way to get my emotions through. I'm very nervous for this week, and very scarred. I don't want another breakdown. Maybe at this point I shouldn't go, but I know we probably won't even hear anything that day, it will be a few days. I'm praying with all my might that this last $3,500 comes through. Technically we only need $2,500 but we want some breathing room to make sure we have some to spare incase something comes up.

If this money really does come through I will seriously be on a high, but then at the same time I have feelings about what if it doesn't work?! What if we just spent 12,000 dollars on something and it didn't work. I read all these awful stories about how women have tried and tried 3-4 IVFs and they didn't work or ended in a miscarriage. It scaries the crazies outta me. I'm in a state of now wondering if adoption would be better. That would be more waiting because of the whole process, but at least we would be guranteed a child of some sort right!

If this money doesn't come in then what?! Still no baby and more waiting. I really don't know what we will do next.

Yesterday someone played an awful(to me anyways) joke. So last year I thought it was funny to say Oh I'm pregnant blahh. Not this year. I about flipped a lid when I read that message. All I could think about is why not me?! Damn it! Maybe I'm selfish or whatever, but they have kids. They don't know what its like. I think maybe its my hormones. It really hurts at the fact that we have a very very small amount of sperm to work with, the fact I can't ovulate on my own, we have no other options, but to shell out 12grand for our dreams to HOPEFULLY come true.

Don't get me wrong I think its so awesome when someone tells me their pregnant. I seriously love kids no matter what, but it kills my body just a little bit more each time I hear it. OVER and OVER and OVER again.

I swear no one was ever pregnant when we weren't trying, but now that we are it seems the whole world is pregnant! The names I had chosen for all our future kids a year and half ago, I didn't know one person with any of them names, now everyone is having a Savannah, Collin, Bentley, Brooklyn.. We are still sticking with our names its just crazy at how different it is now =/

Well thats enough of my rant now. I'm so exhausted I think I might just go to sleeeeep!

So close, but so far.

We have $2,000 left to get! We are going to get a new bank account at a credit union. Hopefully at the beginning of April when we go in and try to get a loan for $3,000, they will give it to us. Plus it will hopefully be a better intrest rate! Then that will be paid off by fall, as well as all 3 of our CCs! Plus we will have a couple thousand left over for the baby if it works!!

Results are in.

We didn't get the loan. I've been trying to hard to come to these terms. Timmy cancelled his TESA thing. We are back to square one. We are so close yet so far from having our money. We are just a few thousand short which seems like a lot, but yet its not because we have over half of it!

I'm so thankful to have support from people, but its not the support I need. People don't understand what I'm going through. They don't understand it, even though they say they do. Honestly they don't. I have wanted this all my life. My only goal from when I was younger was to be a mommy. I've never wanted anything else so bad! I've been waiting so freaking long for the day I hear that I'm pregnant. Its been 16 months since we started trying. I've heard all the sayings.
"It takes time". "Don't be in a rush". "You should lose weight first, you have your whole life to have kids". "Its in gods hands". "Maybe its not meant to be right now". "You will figure it out". "Everything will work out, don't worry".

Well you know what them are the worse things a person that is going through things like that could hear right now. Just because its not working out for you right now doesn't mean its why I'm not either. Maybe I'm being rude because they don't know that Timmy has a problem plus my problem. Maybe because they don't know that the only way we are going to get pregnant is IVF. This is our last chance. If this doesn't work I will never know what its like to be pregnant.

Yes there is adoption out there and thats something we've looked into. Its something that we will do in the future. But I want to know what its like to be pregnant. To hear the first heart beat. To feel the first kick. To see the baby on the monitor. To carry that baby nine monthes. I want to feel labor. I want to have morning sickness. I want to feel everything that comes along with being pregnant. I want that growing belly. I want it all.

People are so lucky and blessed to have the children they do in their life while I'm sitting here suffering. Just because someone is TTC too doesn't mean they know what I'm going through because they've been going through it for a few months. My heart aches to all the other women out there dealing with the same problems as I am. I know people who have went years and years before figuring it out. I'm lucky we didn't have to wait that long for the heart ache!

People say we have all the time in the world when we don't. First off we don't have all the time in the world to get pregnant. Now that we know Timmy has a problem, those were precious time that we had before his sperm went to zero. So go think about that and telling us we have time.

Don't even get me started about our weight. I was doing so good about losing weight then we had all this happen and now I'm back to the beginning. I hate myself and the way I look so no need to rub it on me anymore okay. It kills me every time I hear it. =/

I just hope we can come up with a new plan and by May we can have our miracle.

I pray everyday that no woman ever has to go through all this hurt.

Oh and insurance YOU SUCK!! ITS CRAP THAT YOU WON'T COVER THIS. WOMEN WITH FERTILITY WANT BABIES TOO, JUST BECAUSE WE NEED HELP DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD BE EXCLUDED!!

Thats all!

Wishing, Waiting, Hoping, Praying.

We put in our last time at the bank to see if we could get a loan for 5,000 dollars! This will give us all the money we need plus about 1,000 to catch up with what I owe the doctor and pay down more of one CC. This is the longest day of my life. I'm in tears everytime I think about it. I just want a reason to go up to the bank and ask him if he can check and see if its in there. We are waiting to take the check up to Timmy's doctors office for his procedure until we hear if we got the loan because if we don't then Timmy won't be having it done because it will cost us more to freeze the sperm and to keep em there til we can afford IVF.

The longer its taking the more its making me think that we didn't get the loan. =/ It took overnight last time and we didn't get it, so I have a feeling its gonna be the same.

I wish for once that something would just go our way. We've waited so freaking long its just not fair. The odds are seriously against us right now. I'm having such a hard time coping with us I'm about to flip.. AHHH I just want to know if we got it or not. Damn it!!

Back on hold.

Looks like our IVF process is back on hold til I have no idea when. We didn't get the loan from the bank which means we don't have enough money.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Its killing me inside to know that our dreams may never become a reality and its killing me. I don't know where to turn or where to even look anymore. I feel like the one thing I want most in life is being taken from right underneath me.

I hate life right now. I can't take anymore.

I called the insurance knowing that Timmy's procedure was more than likely not covered, but thought I'd try anyways and now I'm even worse than before because its not covered. I'm a mess. I hate this. I can't take it. I don't understand why people have fertility problems. It shouldn't be like this. No one should ever have to go through this. It totally fucking sucks. It should be mandated in every damn state that insurances should cover infertility. Its crap that they don't. ughh..
okay enough venting. I need to get stuff done for our trip to Columbus tomorrow.

Only two more weeks!

We have only two more weeks left until we start our IVF process! I will start BCP, plus it will start with all the needles. All the bloodwork. AHHHH..
Plus only two more weeks until TImmy's surgery!

Its getting so close and I'm getting more nervous by each day! I'm so excited, but very nervous. I'm scarred it won't work. Scarred that something will go wrong. Scarred our cycle would get cancelled.

All the what-ifs are running through my head! What if I don't produce enough eggs. What if TImmy really doesn't have any sperm.

I hate that all these things are running through my head. I'm trying to relax because stressing isn't helping anything. Its just so nerve wreaking waiting!!

I'm super excited though. I'm so ready to be pregnant. I'm so ready to be a mommy! I'm just so excited!!! <3 I've been waiting for sooooooooo long, I'm sooooooooo ready!

Donor

Well I said I'd write a new blog about our donor so here I am although I should be writing my essay's for our test tomorrow lol.
We have picked out our donor. This is one of the most difficult decisions in our life. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that we would need one! Its so much to come to terms with.

When we first heard that we were going to need a donor back up Timmy flipped. He said he didn't want to do it and all of that. In my mind it was a back up but we will still have Timmy's sperm as first choice. I couldn't imagine what was going through his head.

As we talked more and more Timmy sorta came to terms with it as it's a back up plan.

As Timmy was having more and more tests done everything was coming up clear. It was looking as if Timmy didn't have any sperm and thats when I broke down. I couldn't take anymore. As healthy as TImmy is and as fine as everything was we still had no answers as to why the heck his sperm was low. I figured that this was the end as there was no more tests to be done, which meant it was looking like we could only use donor sperm. There are two surgeries which I mentioned in my last post. Except the fact that Timmy had the price wrong of the TESE. Its only $1,400.

We decided that we will have DS as back up, but if all goes well and Timmy just has blockage like the doctor says, then we won't need it, but it will be there so that we can still start our BCP in March and have our April IVF!

Many ask why go through with IVF if there is a surgery to correct Timmy's problem.

First IVF is cheaper route, plus we are already doing TESE and the sperm will be there if he has some, so we don't want that going to waste.
The other surgery is $20,000 dollars and the doctor doesn't believe that it's covered under our insurance since IVF isn't covered. Also with the other surgery Timmy would need to take off 6 weeks and we just can't afford that plus it would put us back to not even being able to try again til winter by the time we could get caught back up with him being off.

He will eventually go get the major surgery done before we decide to have another child, if we do. It will be a later time when that happens though.
So there is our story about how the SD works =)

Surgery?

Well on Thursday we had a meeting at the urologist to go over our options now that we know that its not his hormone levels, nor is sperm in his urine, and everything else is good.

There could be one of two problems that are going on.
First, Timmy's tubes could be blocked and that's why their not getting through. There are two different things that can be done.
Option 1: Cost= $1,400. Pretty sure insurance doesn't cover this. To go directly into the sac get 12 vials of semen out and have enough sperm for IVF. This will require 4-5 days of him being off work.
Option 2: Cost=$15,000-$20,000. Insurance might cover it. They would go in and fix the problem completely. They would clear the blockage and then we *might* be able to concieve through IUI or naturally, since I have problems not sure it would work, but atleast we'd know that he'd be fixed. This would require 6-8 weeks of no working.

Or the second thing it could be is that he might not make sperm at all. He said he doesn't think its this problem, but it potentially could be.

Now I have my own take on it. I'm not a doctor nor do I know anything, but what I do know is that we started out at the very beginning when Timmy had his first SA, he had 1million or more sperm. (its a very low number, but doable with IVF) When we had our first IUI he had 4-5 sperm. Then third SA, resulted in no sperm at all. Now if his tubes are blocked like that doctor thinks, don't you think that Timmy woulda had no sperm from the beginning? They are saying the blockage is from when he had an infection back in 2007. I highly doubt that it could go from that many sperm to none. Again I'm not a doctor nor do I study that stuff, but I think its very weird how it could go from so much to none over a span over 4 months. In my all heart honesty I don't think he makes any. Maybe I'm wrong, and just trying to settle it in my brain so I'm not crushed if it does turn out that way when he has one of the procedures done, but I have to be realistic.

We have decided to go with Option 1. We are praying whole heartedly that there is sperm in there and we are going at it a shot in the dark. We are going to have to get a loan from the bank because we don't have enough to cover IVF ourselves, but we are hoping to get the full amount for IVF that way we will have enough money ourselves to cover this surgery plus the meds and ICSI.

If we can't get a loan for the full amount of IVF we are going to have to put it off until we can save it. Which won't be until the fall. We are hoping and praying the bank will work with us and understand where we are coming from. We have paid down all of our CC debt plus paid some off. We have both cars paid off. So we are in a good financial standing we just don't have the money saved and it would take us a year to do!

If Timmy has no sperm after doing the procedure then we will have to wait an extra month to collect the money for a donor. We have it saved now, but that will go towards Timmy's surgery so we will have to wait til April to start BC so we could have the extra money for the donor(I'll write another blog about this subject as this one is getting very long).

If Timmy does have sperm and its great then he will take some time off to have the surgery done so that we could do it on our own next time we can get pregnant!

So we have a basic plan of what we are going to do. Lets pray but April 2011 we will have our little baby Savannah Joy or Bentley Joseph on the way!! KMFX

Anyways I will be doing another blog maybe tomorrow about the donor!!

Education Day

Yesterday was education day! We got all our paperwork filled out and signed. Timmy finished the last of his bloodwork! We have all our medication in order! I'm going to be getting so many shots, so many blood draws, and ultrasounds! AHH. It seems to be so real now that we have everything in order.

The last thing we need to do is find our backup sperm donor. We've been putting it off the past few weeks, but we are needing to get it done soon so it will be ready when we do IVF. We were kind of hoping that the urologist could give us insite on Timmy's problem and maybe find out a way to fix it and we wouldn't need donor sperm. We should get the results back by the end of next week! I'm nervous for what it will say. Will it be a 20,000 dollar surgery that we can't afford or will it be so simple and just need some medication? Two big differences between the two.

Anyways that is just an update =)

Our IVF appt.

I haven't been on in a while. A bunch of stuff happened and I wasn't going to blog anymore because I didn't want people knowing stuff, but I have supporters who are following me and stuff so I decided to start again! Anyways back to our appointment. Well we decided this would be our best option. We talked about how low Timmy's sperm was and it wasn't good at all. He said that it would be best if we talked about having donor sperm as a back up plan incase the day we went in and Timmy didn't have enough sperm then we could use the donor sperm so our cycle won't be a bust. We would still be able to use what Timmy gives, but if more is needed then we'd have the donor. I had a good feeling this was going to need to be an option, but just pushed it back til now. We have been going back and forth on this for a while. We fought about it, but finally discussed it and we are on the same page now.

We have talked about adoption and we will probably adopt in the future because this will probably be our only pregnancy if we do get pregnant. We decided that it would be best that if we try for this first. If it doesn't work, I will be heart broken, but I know there are the other options out there! We will get settled with our careers and get a plan to move and pay off debt then start the adoption process! I'm hoping that this will work and I will be able to carry our biological child, but in the same tune I don't want to get my hopes up because I've done that so many times and been let down!

We have our education class this afternoon so I will update again soon on whats going on! We are hoping to start birth control pills in March and then IVF meds in April! We will find out today though.
Again thank you everyone for the support!! <3