Well our happiness was short lived. On Wednesday I took a FRER and the line was lighter than it had ever been. I knew that was something bad. Well I went to the doctors to get my blood drawn and at 5:12pm I got the call. She said it was negative. I'm like are you sure like I was in disblief even though I knew it from Wednesday. She said that my level was at an 11 and that the doctor said it was prob a chemical pregnancy. Of course I was driving down the road to go get my husband from work and I just balled my eyes out. Here I was so damn hopeful and wishful and I really thought it worked only for it to be taken away from me. Again I have no answers. I don't understand why my body will not get pregnant and stay pregnant. It doesn't make since. Is it the embryos? Or is it me? I probably will never have answers and I won't ever know.
I wish I didn't have to have a house payment or car payment or any other effin payment because then I could either try again or start saving every penny for surragocy or adoption. I don't even know. Those costs thousands and thousands and more thousands of dollars to go through. I want so badly to be a mom and it's not effin happening and I don't know why. Why in the hell can a fuckin mom who wants to kill her kids by running her car into an ocean get pregnant but I can't?!!!!! Seriously this is fucked up.
I'm so hurt and it's to the point where I don't even want to drag myself outta bed. I have to today. I have to babysit. I have to go all day trying to be happy when all I wanna do is lay in bed and cry. We have so much going on this weekend. I have to go and be around people. I don't want too. It's bad that I don't even want to go celebrate my husbands birthday I just want to stay in bed and never move again.
We don't know what we are going to do. All I know is this next month we aren't doing shit because I can't go thru it again right now plus we are broke. Well not broke but we don't have the money to do it again. I don't even know if I should even spend the money again and it fail. Then that's really it because we only have 2 embryos left. I mean these embryos have been so strong and have made it thru so maybe it is me. Maybe my body can't handle it. I guess I will never know. I probably will never get to experience being pregnant and it effin kills me.
And no I will not be going to any effin baby showers and I don't need to know that you are pregnant by private message and I'm sorry but if your pregnant your not gonna be on my fb right now. I'm sorry but I can't handle seeing others being pregnant. Hopefully people will understand but I can't handle it right now.
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