Fighting feelings vs reality.

We are going to be headed in this week to a new bank where hopefully all will help our dreams! I'm very very nervous. I'm scarred. I have so many emotions right now its crazy. I had a breakdown last week and it was awful. It was a very hard week for some of my family and it was just awful. I couldn't take no more and I seriously didn't know what I could do anymore.

I have now gotten over that feeling and trying to work on becoming a better person and finding a better way to get my emotions through. I'm very nervous for this week, and very scarred. I don't want another breakdown. Maybe at this point I shouldn't go, but I know we probably won't even hear anything that day, it will be a few days. I'm praying with all my might that this last $3,500 comes through. Technically we only need $2,500 but we want some breathing room to make sure we have some to spare incase something comes up.

If this money really does come through I will seriously be on a high, but then at the same time I have feelings about what if it doesn't work?! What if we just spent 12,000 dollars on something and it didn't work. I read all these awful stories about how women have tried and tried 3-4 IVFs and they didn't work or ended in a miscarriage. It scaries the crazies outta me. I'm in a state of now wondering if adoption would be better. That would be more waiting because of the whole process, but at least we would be guranteed a child of some sort right!

If this money doesn't come in then what?! Still no baby and more waiting. I really don't know what we will do next.

Yesterday someone played an awful(to me anyways) joke. So last year I thought it was funny to say Oh I'm pregnant blahh. Not this year. I about flipped a lid when I read that message. All I could think about is why not me?! Damn it! Maybe I'm selfish or whatever, but they have kids. They don't know what its like. I think maybe its my hormones. It really hurts at the fact that we have a very very small amount of sperm to work with, the fact I can't ovulate on my own, we have no other options, but to shell out 12grand for our dreams to HOPEFULLY come true.

Don't get me wrong I think its so awesome when someone tells me their pregnant. I seriously love kids no matter what, but it kills my body just a little bit more each time I hear it. OVER and OVER and OVER again.

I swear no one was ever pregnant when we weren't trying, but now that we are it seems the whole world is pregnant! The names I had chosen for all our future kids a year and half ago, I didn't know one person with any of them names, now everyone is having a Savannah, Collin, Bentley, Brooklyn.. We are still sticking with our names its just crazy at how different it is now =/

Well thats enough of my rant now. I'm so exhausted I think I might just go to sleeeeep!