A year ago.

I never imagined a year ago we would be in the same place now that we were then. I had so many hopes and dreams and was so hopeful of getting pregnant and hopefully have that precious miracle in my arms or about to pop! As the months went by I became less hopeful. I tried to get my focus off of getting pregnant and on to school and getting my daycare set up and everything in hopes that will help to lessen the stress of getting pregnant. I stopped convulsively testing, I stopped the OPKs (which sucked mind you anyways!), and stopped charting every sign and symptom. Everything we did in hopes of helping to conceive did nothing.

We were on Clomid and it got me all hopeful again! In June my numbers were good, but I bled/spotted for like 20 days. I knew it wasn't going to be our month because of it. July my hopes were totally shot when my progesterone levels went way down from our first cycle of Clomid, and the nurse told me that means I didn't ovulate. Then August again the nurse told me my levels were low and I didn't ovulate. I was heartbroken! I told them I wanted Timmy to get his sperm tested, and then the journey just got harder!

We were off to the fertility specialist which we decided IUI's were good along with 100mg of Clomid and the Ovidrel shot. I was so hopeful till the day of my IUI! We were told that his sperm count was even lower than when he had his semen analysis and that IVF is probably our only option. I've been so scarred for so long that someone would tell me that and now it's became my nightmare!

Everyone keeps telling me to think positive and this cycle is it and don't give up so easy! How can I be so positive when in reality it’s such a low chance for this to work? I stay awake crying, wondering how we are going to come up with all this money. How are we seriously going to make this work?

Why does it always have to be us! I swear if it’s not one thing wrong it’s another. Is God seriously telling me something?! I don't know what to think or do anymore. All my life I've loved babies and baby dolls! It was my dream to have this LARGE (13, yes 13, kids) family! I started babysitting at the age of 15. Anytime there was a new baby in the family you bet my butt would be there holding that precious lil one!

I know my hope of that large family isn’t going to come to reality and I'm okay with that. I just want one, or two, and I will be perfectly fine with that!

I know we have come way to far now to just quit, but it seriously hurts to know that we aren't getting our dream as quick and as easy as we thought!

I've been in such a mood I just feel like telling the whole world off! I'm already starting to cramp and do everything that normally happens before my period starts so I know its coming! If I'm wrong and I do seriously get a positive pregnancy test there are so many people I'm going to thank! No one has given up on me even though I've been a total b*tch to them and always had negative hope! I'm so thankful for each and every person that has prayed for me =) I'm so lucky to have an awesome support system through family and friends and even through the internet! People whom have never met me and are going through this process as well have had my back and somewhere I can vent. I have an amazing friend/cousin who listens to me when I can't talk to hubby about stuff. I'm so thankful for my mom helping us out as all of this was a total surprise to us! Timmy couldn't be any more supportive! He tries to make me think positive, but as soon as I do my hopes start going up, then I take myself back down, then the cycle repeats over and over! I have an amazing life and I'm so thankful to each and every person and everything in it and I am happy for all of that, but there is still a hole in my heart waiting to be filled! I know one day my dreams of being mommy will come true whether it is through this IUI, or IVF, or adoption, I know it will happen, but it’s taking a lot longer than I ever expected!